Flunking Grades and Falling In Love

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.”

- Matthew 6:33

Flunking grades and falling in love. What do they have in common?

Flunking grades

Nothing makes my intestines want to implode more than knowing I’m failing a subject or a test. It’s almost second nature for me to be depressed and be worried on a freaking number that might be there on my transcripts forever. And yet reality tells me it doesn’t really matter. When I left the Philippines, I’ve held on to a transcript that I can, in a way be proud of. That yellow sheet of paper embossed with a 400-year-old university seal. I felt like I can conquer the world. So when I’ve started meeting people — for school and for a job — it was a slap to realize that they don’t really care.
1) They just want to know what you can do,
2) You said University of what? Prominent in the Phili… Oh okay.
3) Consistent honor student? Hmmm. Can you use computers? Yes? Okay great.

All the things I’ve worked for all my life, all the medals I had in exchange of decent meals and appropriate-for-a-human-being sleeps, all the Kleenex I’ve used just to get through the anxious moments of wanting to get a good grade, all the times I had to skip just trying not to fail on school, all those — gone. Just gone. And just like the words of King Solomon, meaningless.

I don’t know. All the schools I’ve been to taught one thing that resounded louder than all the verbs, nouns, brain synapses, x’s and y’s, theories and formulas — get good grades, get a good job, live a great life. It is true, but not guaranteed — especially that one in the middle. And by the way, who defines a great life?

It’s sad that I was young when I went to school. If I started school with what I know now, I wouldn’t have killed my childhood for those awards and certificates, and I wouldn’t have had sacrificed so much to save a flunking grade.

Falling in love

The things we do for love.

We change our hair style. We diet. We change the way we laugh, the way we dress, the way we talk. More graceful. More manly. More girly. We’re suddenly conscious. We do little tweaks on our selves — bit by bit, then in part, then completely. Because we fall in love.

And I don’t want to fall in love.

What the hell does this have to do with my flunking grades? Well,
1) Both can happen.
2) I don’t want it to happen. To me.
3) It happened. To me.

Falling in love seemed like a better reality than flunking a grade, so why not? It occurred to me that I’ve seen love in rose-colored glasses. I was wrong. And goodness, where did these glasses came from?

Supposedly, when you love, you are who you are. . . AND you change — for the better. When you love, it’s supposed to be a change that arises out of wanting to be the better person for the one you love — NOT to be the better person to be loved. Love should be:

* I love you. I will improve myself for you. Because I love you.
NOT
* Okay, I will change blah blah blah. Just love me. I’ve changed now. Can’t you love me yet? Okay, I’ll change blah blah blah again.

I have spent more Kleenex just thinking about the fact that no one actually liked me, took me seriously, and ever had interest in me, when in all my capacity I’ve tried to be kind, caring, likeable and beautiful – for love. Because I’ve fallen in love.

I’ve once read, “You don’t fall in love. You rise in love. That’s how you love rationally.” And I am reminded of what love really is. Love is patient, kind, it does not envy. . . all that. My version even says “It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable.” I don’t want to fall in love. I want to rise in love.

I got that messed up, so love became like another grade to be achieved and worked for. At the end of both, the work I’ve done for the grades don’t matter, and the changes I’ve made to myself don’t matter. When I face people, I am no less than who I am because I have a 70% on my record, and that I never had a romantic relationship.

And again, I should have known. I would not have gone praying for a man when there are more important things. In a world of human trafficking, poverty, hunger and cancer, my complaints on grades and relationships are obviously selfish, ungrateful and petty.

I had flunked at school a few times, and I had never been asked on a date and had never been dated, kissed, or surprised on Valentine’s. As far as I could tell, it was a condition not much better than leprosy or the plague. But I will be who I will be not by what I have accomplished and what I’ve been through, but by who I was and who I’ve always been — someone with a brain worth 10 megabytes, and a heart as strong as a feather. Nothing special, just saved by grace. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve always thought everything in life was something to work for. I was wrong all along. I need not fall, because I had Someone willing to hold me. I was drowning in my ocean of frustrations — there was a Lifeguard who walks on water. He showed me all the failures I caused myself. Then He saved me.

Flunking grades and falling in love. What do they have in common?
1) I’ve given my all to both.
2) I’ve fallen, messed up, and been broken because of both.
3) I’ve learned, in different levels and intensities, from both.
4) I’m grateful for both.

Faith — over falling, over flunking, over frustrations. First things first.

Broken-hearted Men

Being a very boyish gal all my life, I’ve always had guy friends. My brothers’ friends were my friends too, and I didn’t mind having to run, play robots and basketball or just be around (in 10-feet radius) with them. What I liked with these friendships is that what you see is what you get. There are girls, though I don’t mean everyone, who can talk to you on their backs or can have serious attitude problems. That rarely happens with guys.

So that’s how I got my familiarity with the boy world. But I have found quite a deeper sense of it when I came to college. You know how in college, it’s like you’re being given a new set of eyes? I got that new set, and seen things in a more broader and more detailed perspectives. Not only have I matured in my thinking, but I’ve also developed new friendships inside and outside the university. And there I have found out the kind of men I didn’t knew existed on my action figure and car toy days.

I thought guys were always strong, always ready to save the world, can pick any fight and do all the hard and even gross stuff. Machismo. That’s what I’ve always thought, until I’ve met some broken-hearted men.

Not everyone agrees on my views on relationship (someone out there will probably shoot an arrow in my forehead once I say your first kiss should be on the altar), but we can sure agree on one thing. In love, we all have been hurt. And yes ladies, that includes the men.

And whenever it is the men who gets their hearts broken, I feel a different kind of sympathy. It’s not that only the ladies should be hurt, because I see it as something natural in us who are born emotional. Ours is a different story. It’s just that I have so much respect for the men in my life, that I feel bad seeing or knowing that once in their life as virile and courageous entities, they had to deal with the pain and nurse their hearts.

[Now let's be clear here. I'm talking about real men, and not the boys who mindlessly play with women's hearts.]

I hope to emphasize this enough: THE MALE EGO. Men are more egoistic than women. They care about their self image and would want to be the superhero in every story. They love challenges, like the challenge of taking a woman. A woman is like a treasure that posts itself as a challenge who aren’t always easy to get. So men take up this challenge for the women who ‘truly’ and ‘entirely’ capture their heart, and they would do everything. Everything. They will do the first move, take hold of the responsibility, take charge of the expenses, and even worry about the future, while the ladies wait on them. They are expected to be responsible, to be gentlemen, and to be strong – physically, mentally and emotionally. And that’s probably why when they are the ones who are left, offended, cheated and violated, the news doesn’t make a headline. We still put on those expectations. We put on the pressure to ‘be the man’ and not show frailty.

I have a friend who once fell in love with one of my girl friends. He really liked her, and it took him a lot of guts to have my friend as his first girlfriend. We know he liked her a lot, but the relationship ended after a week, because my friend had no intention of taking the relationship seriously. He was hurt.

There’s also this man (very close to me) who loved a girl, that he almost had to disobey his mom just to prove his love for the girl. We saw him go through fire and storm for her. We saw him cry. We saw him get mad at the people he really loved just for her. He was very patient, believing they’d survive anything. Until one day, she gave up and broke up with him for a shallow reason. Months after, she found another one. I know it pained him, and until now, he’s still on his way to moving on.

And there’s a story I’ve known from acquaintances. I only knew him by name and by his story, but we haven’t met when this happened. He loved her, and for that time being, she loved him. But one blast of wind was enough to make her give up, leave him, and not even fight for him, when he was ready to do everything for her, for life. If I met him that time, I would have wanted him for her. I wanted a godly man like him to be with her that I love. We asked him once about it, and he said he’s over it. I can’t help but think how much it must have hurt. He may be over it, but won’t he always remember?

Broken-hearted men. There are a few more stories, and each has that sting. So I guess pain, though in different levels, is universal. Disappointment, like love, is all-pervading. It’s just that with men, it’s more often than not, forgotten. Male or female, we deal with broken hearts and shattered dreams.

There’s a song by Francesca Battistelli that says:

Love is not a feeling

Love is not convenient

But I know love can change your life

Love takes sacrifice

Love cuts like a knife

Sometimes love can make you cry

Love is not easy, but it’s worth it.

Nothing can be truer than this: Love is still worth it. It’s fine. You’ll be fine. You’ll find the right one. So move on.

This is for the men. I hope you remain to be strong, not because you’re perfectly fine all the time, but because you have warrior hearts. You are warriors, and you are made to conquer. I hope you’d find the strength in God and in yourself, that you may take up the right challenges at the right time, in the right place with the right heart, for the right one. I hope to see you build castles, slain dragons, beat the villains, and rescue damsels in distress. Never revenge. But never give up. Your real princesses are waiting.

The Lord looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From His throne He observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do. (Psalm 33:13-15)

“I will guide you along the best pathway for your life…” (Psalm 32:6)

If I Were God

There are ten things that I would do if I were God.

1. I will heal all the sick, free people of pain and vanish all diseases.
2. I will feed all the hungry.
3. I will cheer up all the sad and lonely.
4. I will strengthen all the weak.
5. I will keep everyone safe and unharmed at all times.
6. I will forgive all sins and mistakes of my people. I’ll always be gracious unto them.
7. However, I’d punish every sinner too, being perfectly just.
8. I will give people all their wants, saying ‘yes’ to all their prayers, all the time.
9. I will solve all people’s problems.
10. I will change all people to perfection.

If I were God and I were to do these things, the world would be a great place… probably, or maybe not. Aside from my to-do list, there also comes the ten problems that would happen if I were God.

1. If I healed all the sick, no one would ever take care of their body and their health. Knowing that I would vanish all diseases, people would be careless in their actions and decisions and will trivialize their own lives. If I free people of pain, no one would die. No one would ever make it to eternity, and the spirit can’t return to God and will never meet Him either. There’s no way someone could end his life to really rest in peace, no matter how tired they are of it.
2. If I feed all the hungry, no one would work to feed themselves. People will miss the joy of working and earning. In the long run, people would be bored of life as it does not pose any challenge to overcome — just a lifetime of waiting for provisions.
3. If I cheered up all the sad and lonely, people would be careless with their emotional well-being. They would do anything and everything that could seriously hurt their ego, knowing that I’ll be cheering them up after all. People will hurt people endlessly, or try to cling to anyone because it would then be alright not to protect their hearts. People won’t even appreciate happiness. No one would strive to be happy.
4. If I strengthened all the weak, everyone won’t even bother to strengthen and develop themselves – physically, mentally, and emotionally. No one would need another person for companionship and support, because they can carry on by themselves. This will also result to the isolation of the super strong, because they won’t need anybody anyway. All of humanity will be strong, but will be forever alone.
5. If I kept everyone safe, people would be reckless. Anybody can do all death-defying acts as much as they want and nobody would care. Kids can go home late, adults can drown themselves in liquor, teenagers can take excessive amounts of drugs, and no one would dare stop you or worry about you. People won’t be so important to people. No one would value life.
6. If I forgave everyone’s sins and mistakes, people would abuse and turn out to be a bunch of immorals. Everyone will be living wantonly. People would only end up being calloused, merciless and undisciplined.
7. And if I punished every sinner, people won’t lift a finger to promote and keep justice. No one would be spared too, since all have sinned.
8. If I give all people wants, again (and still!) no one would work. If I said yes to every petition every time, wants will never end. No one would be satisfied and people would be greedy. Everyone would be unhappy and unappreciative even if everything they want is given to them. People would see life more like a vending machine where you can easily get what you want, rather than seeing it as a tree that bears succulent fruit in time. Moreover, no one would learn the value of waiting because everything they ask of me will come instantly.
9. If I solve all people’s problems, life would be boring and dull. No one would know the feeling of asking and clinging to God for help… for desperate help. There would be no challenge and thrill in waking up everyday, because life will always be the same and will always be carefree. No one would learn “life” itself.
10. Lastly, If I changed everyone and everything bad in them, people would be robots. People no longer have to reach out to more people because everyone would be the same. Life would miss it’s one great charm: people’s uniqueness.

If I were God, the earth would be hell itself.

There have been a lot of times in my life when I’ve wanted God to be an Instant Healer, an Instant Giver, a magician for me and my wants. Deep in my heart, I wanted God to just strip away and add up, in a snap of His fingers. I wave my fists to His throne and demand that He give me something, do something, immediately. I bargain, I cry, I get into debates all to get whatever I desperately ask.

And in the depths of my soul, I am gently reminded that His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are my ways His ways. I am rebuked that “as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are His ways higher than my ways and His thoughts than my thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8,9 NIV).

If only we would stop complaining. If only we would stop telling Him, “Lord, You’ve got to do this… Lord, you’ve got to do that.” If only we would cease bragging, “Lord, i am Your son, Lord, i am Your daughter. Why can’t you just do this anyway?” If we would only quit slamming Heaven’s door for our suggestions. If we would just desist stating what we think can help. Then we will see, when all is said and done, that God’s ways and wisdom is still the best.

If at times you are like me when We come up with thoughts saying “if only God would do this”, or “if I were God, I would do this,” this is a reminder to us. We might not understand the plans God has for our lives, but as He has promised, we can be sure that His plans are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT). Whether we do not come to understanding His plans, we should bear deep within our hearts that God knows what He is doing in our lives. [Yes, it's a common verse, but most of the time it's what we forget the most.]

His decisions may disappoint us for a while. In His answers of ‘yes’, of ‘no’, and of ‘wait’, remember that our God is the God of great wisdom — a wisdom no one could ever fanthom.

FAITH. Faith to the true God. That’s all it takes.

“The LORD is righteous in all His ways and loving toward all He has made.”

-Psalm 145:17 NIV